Upcoming IP Stay

So in 2 or 3 weeks, I am going to go back IP at St. Paul's once again.  I am VERY anxious about it.  My last stay there was absolutely awful.  I ended up very suicidal, overdosed, and spent 2 days in ICU.  When I left after 4 months, I had gained weight but I was also incredibly depressed.

Thankfully, right now, my depressions seems to be improved.  In October of last year I started a new antidepressant called "Pristique" and I think it is helping.  However, I find the IP ward very anxiety provoking which, of course, is increased by the fact I am eating and fighting my ED thoughts.  I spent a lot of time working with the head of the program and we  have written up guidelines for me as an individual which I hope will help with both my anxiety and the stresses of being in the hospital.  Some of the guidelines we have worked out are:

1. Once I am medically stable I will be given one daily 40 minute pass to leave the ward.  (This will allow me to get fresh air, get a break from the environment of the hospital, and, if the timing works out, go and get a latte from Starbucks for one of my snacks and enjoy it with a book.  :))
2. I can get ask for my Suisse Mocha Coffee mix from the nurses so I can make my self something warm to drink during non-meal and snack periods.  I can also bring my Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate and ask for a package to make before bedtime.  (Hot liquids seem to help me a lot with my anxiety.  I avoid drinking a lot of liquids at meals and with food because of purging issues.  However, between meals, I think this will be very helpful.  I have explored whether the hot drink issue is eating disorder driven but I have concluded it really isn't.)
3. After many hospitalizations, I have found a way of creating a meal-plan which works best for me.  I do a LOT better with three small meals and five snacks.  Because of the current guidelines of the program, EVERYONE must have one item from every food group, at a minimum. - NO EXCEPTIONS.  The meal-plan I use does not have milk at meals.  A a result, I have to eat in my room which wouldn't be my first choice as I will be isolated and alone with my ED thoughts.  (Apparently a nurse will check on me but no one will stay with me during the meals.  Not happy about it but I guess on the positive side, I will avoid triggering eating behaviour going on at the table.  It upsets me that i feel I am being punished in a way.  My entire meal-plan is not smaller than many other peoples but apparently it might "trigger" other people because of how it is set up.  SIGH!
4. I am allowed a pass on Mondays to go to see my outside therapist and to go to my DBT skills group.  I will be off the ward from around 2:00pm until 7:30pm.  It will be nice get additional support.
5. I have a COPP (community outreach) worker who will come on Thursdays and she can also take me off the ward.  I find her very supportive so I look forward to this.

I do hope that this will help with my anxiety and stress levels and allow me more ways to cope with things.

Things to Remember during IP

This is a list I take with me when I go into hospital.  I hope that having it with me can help me manage my distress and how I deal with it:

Things to Remember:

1.  Self-empowerment:  this is my treatment; the changes are mine.
2.  Own your feelings.”  “Be true to yourself.”  (and others).
3.  “Are you dying to be right?” or “Have your own way?”
4.  Don’t just react – think then act.
5.  When in crisis and wanting to leave:
 a)     Call mom/dad
 b)    Talk to nurses
 c)     Talk to therapist
 d)     Have a bath
 e)     Find a place by myself and
         listen to music
 6. I am not responsible for others’ actions/non-actions and eating/restricting.
7.  My goals are my own; others have their own goals - keep this in mind.
8.  Treatment is not forever; one day at a time, one minute at a time.
9.  I want to live, not just exist.
10.  Just because I feel a certain way, remember not to assume others feel the same way.
11.  If someone is doing something that is really annoying you, ask yourself if you may share those characteristics/manners.
12.  If you feel you HAVE to say something, that may be the best time to stay silent.
13.  Be curious about strong reactions.
14.  Be honest!!  Try not to filter your thoughts.
15.  Focus on myself.  If I find myself overwhelmed by things going on around me, think about what is most important and what I am responsible for.
16.  Think about when it is the time to help and/or give feedback and when it is not.  While helping others is something I tend to move towards, I am not here as a “therapist”.  Sometimes helping others by giving advice/ideas that have helped me may take away their own need to struggle and find the answers themselves.  I may be taking away something they need to overcome on their own.
17.  Avoid filtering!!  Try to say what I am thinking when talking and if I can’t say be honest about my confusion.  Ask myself “Why am I afraid?”, “Why do I feel like retreating into my mind?”, “What is that feeling about?”
18.  Remember to be MINDFUL of emotions.

Sugar levels and Nightmares

Struggling with a couple of things.  It seems my sugar levels are going out of whack when I sleep.  I often wake up in the middle of the night, sometimes sweaty, after having bad dreams, and feeling "strange".  My eyes don't seem to focus right, my body feels tingly, etc.  I have a glucose monitor which I use to test the sugar levels - they aren't super low, about 3.2, but low all the same.

I am also having a lot of bad dreams.  Dreamt I was in two plane crashes last night and my father died in one of them.  They seem very real and I wake up feeling awful and not wanting to sleep again despite feeling exhausted.

I just want to wake up feeling refreshed and energetic.  I wonder if that will ever actually happen!

The Beginning

So this will be my first post and I am unsure exactly what I am going to do with this blog, so forgive me as I struggle to find my way.

I have spent the last three years trying to get funding for treatment outside of Canada because I have exhausted all of the treatment options available to me.  We have one inpatient eating disorder program in this province and I have probably been there over 20 times.  The program and treatment team has, not doubt, saved my life.  While it has helped with symptom interruption and short term weight gain, I have always fallen backwards when discharged.

Unfortunately our ministry of health seems determined NOT to fund anyone so I am now facing another stay at the inpatient treatment where I have been many times before.  I am really scared but I am trying not to think to far ahead.  I remind myself that I can't KNOW what it will be like because things change.   I will take small steps, focusing on the present.