Christmas

Well, Christmas is over.  I spent four days at my older sister's house in Tacoma, Washington, so my whole family was together.  Both my sisters, my brother-in-law, my parents, my niece and nephew, and my Aunt were there.  As usual, the whole food issue was stressful and I did struggle.  However, over all, I think it went okay and better than other years.  I worked hard to stay present and participate.  I ate with everyone else, I went to my nephew's piano concert, I tried to have conversation and help out when I could.  I find it frustrating that my ED thoughts still interfere and pull me away from things and I also find long periods of conversation trying.  I long for a time when these things won't feel like such an effort and I can just enjoy being present.  I so want the coming year to be different.  I pray that the treatment journey I embark on brings a lasting change that allows me to be the person I so want to be.

New Psychiatrist

The psychiatrist I was under during my IP stay is someone new to St. Paul's.  I was happy about this as I think starting fresh with someone new opens up the opportunity for me to learn new things and to hopefully be with someone who also has no past preconceptions about me.  She is from Florida and worked at Renfrew in the past. However, as always, I had difficulty letting down my walls and trusting her..  I said to her that I needed her to listen to the things I say and to not assume that it is the eating disorder speaking rather than Kathryn.  I feel like I have learned a lot about myself and my needs and that I do have things to contribute in terms of what my needs are in my fight for recovery.  Yes, I recognize my ED is sneaky and that not everything I say may come from the place of the healthy me, however, there ARE things I do know that come from a place of knowledge and non ED thought.  It was frustrating to hear her communicate back to me, that basically what she decides goes.  It makes me feel unheard and not understood and that in turn, makes it harder for me to trust.   Sigh!