Upcoming IP Stay

So in 2 or 3 weeks, I am going to go back IP at St. Paul's once again.  I am VERY anxious about it.  My last stay there was absolutely awful.  I ended up very suicidal, overdosed, and spent 2 days in ICU.  When I left after 4 months, I had gained weight but I was also incredibly depressed.

Thankfully, right now, my depressions seems to be improved.  In October of last year I started a new antidepressant called "Pristique" and I think it is helping.  However, I find the IP ward very anxiety provoking which, of course, is increased by the fact I am eating and fighting my ED thoughts.  I spent a lot of time working with the head of the program and we  have written up guidelines for me as an individual which I hope will help with both my anxiety and the stresses of being in the hospital.  Some of the guidelines we have worked out are:

1. Once I am medically stable I will be given one daily 40 minute pass to leave the ward.  (This will allow me to get fresh air, get a break from the environment of the hospital, and, if the timing works out, go and get a latte from Starbucks for one of my snacks and enjoy it with a book.  :))
2. I can get ask for my Suisse Mocha Coffee mix from the nurses so I can make my self something warm to drink during non-meal and snack periods.  I can also bring my Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate and ask for a package to make before bedtime.  (Hot liquids seem to help me a lot with my anxiety.  I avoid drinking a lot of liquids at meals and with food because of purging issues.  However, between meals, I think this will be very helpful.  I have explored whether the hot drink issue is eating disorder driven but I have concluded it really isn't.)
3. After many hospitalizations, I have found a way of creating a meal-plan which works best for me.  I do a LOT better with three small meals and five snacks.  Because of the current guidelines of the program, EVERYONE must have one item from every food group, at a minimum. - NO EXCEPTIONS.  The meal-plan I use does not have milk at meals.  A a result, I have to eat in my room which wouldn't be my first choice as I will be isolated and alone with my ED thoughts.  (Apparently a nurse will check on me but no one will stay with me during the meals.  Not happy about it but I guess on the positive side, I will avoid triggering eating behaviour going on at the table.  It upsets me that i feel I am being punished in a way.  My entire meal-plan is not smaller than many other peoples but apparently it might "trigger" other people because of how it is set up.  SIGH!
4. I am allowed a pass on Mondays to go to see my outside therapist and to go to my DBT skills group.  I will be off the ward from around 2:00pm until 7:30pm.  It will be nice get additional support.
5. I have a COPP (community outreach) worker who will come on Thursdays and she can also take me off the ward.  I find her very supportive so I look forward to this.

I do hope that this will help with my anxiety and stress levels and allow me more ways to cope with things.