First Day Inpatient

So it is my first day here on the inpatient ward.  Lots of mixed feelings about being here.  I didn’t sleep at all the night before – just too anxious and I basically walked around my apartment and tried to make sure I wasn’t forgetting to bring anything.  I took a taxi to the hospital.  When we arrived I tried to pay with my debit card and the card was declined.  Wonderful.  I had no cash on hand and I don’t have a credit card.  VERY AWKWARD.  Luckily he was fairly nice about it.  He gave me a card with the taxi cab address, his name and cab number and I promised I would get his payment to him.  How embarrassing and not the way I wanted my morning to start.

I have my own room so I am very grateful for that.  I like having my own space and somewhere private to retreat to.  So far things are “okay”.  However, the meal situation is just bizarre.  I am eating in my room.  A staff member brings my tray to my room and then leaves.  I am alone to eat.  No one checks on me and no one checks my tray – I simply bring it back to the cart when I am done.  The nice thing is I don’t have to deal with the ED behavior of people at meals and there is no one watching everything I do to make sure I am cutting things right, using “prescribed” table rules, etc.  Way less stress for me.  I read my book at lunch and watched an episode of Bones at dinner.  All in all, I have to admit it seems crazy though.  At the start of dinner, I put my digestives beside my tray on my desk.  On my way to group, I glanced at my desk and realized they were still sitting there.  I honestly forgot about them and hadn’t eaten them.  Luckily, I have the ability to be responsible and I did eat them after group.  It is just they are so rigid about rules when eating at the table, but I could be getting away with murder on my own.  And I do worry what happens as my anxiety with weight gain and changes in my body increases and the ED voice gets louder.  Sometimes it is just nice to have someone there.  SO bizarre.  All in all meals have gone fine and I am feeling okay about things.  Lunch did freak me out a bit though.  I ordered cottage cheese and when I got it, they gave me almost a cup of cottage cheese.  It is supposed to be ½ cup.  I hate that they won’t correct it and I am supposed to just deal with the fact it is the incorrect amount for my meal plan.  NOT HELPFUL!

Generally my blood work is fine but when I got here today, my potassium was 2.1 and my iron was 8.  To further confuse me, my binging and purging has actually been occurring less frequently in the past three weeks which is the opposite of what the blood work would suggest.  Apparently everyone gets Magnesium when they come so I am stuck with an IV for the next 5 days, which I hate, but they are doing it at night so at least I won’t need to be attached to a pole during the day!

I met my therapist Dr. H.  She seems quite nice and direct and I am glad to have someone new who I have no history with.  She said she would try to meet with me twice a week but that she may get busy and only be able to manage once.  When I talked to Dr. R about what needs they could meet she said that the psychiatrist would see me two to three times per week.  Why am I not surprised that this is not the information I am now given.  Why not just say once or twice if that is the reality????

Some confusion in terms of information regarding a medication I take.  I was taking Actonel.  G, the pharmacist, said research is showing conflicting results and its effectiveness is questionable and that it can be hard on the kidneys which is a danger if you don’t drink adequate amounts.  There is one type of Actonel you only need to take once a year via an infusion.  Apparently they ordered it for one of the girls on the ward and Renal refusted to do it as they were concerned about the fact many ED patients limit water intake and it could end up causing kidney damage.  She felt it might be good to take a break from it.  Later I saw Dr. A and he was asking about it.  I mentioned what G said and he said that wasn’t right and that he has patients that take it and that I should be taking it.  Honestly who do I trust?  Who do I ask to get accuarate information?  I tend to trust G just because drugs are her focus and she has worked with the program for many many years but I mean I don’t REALLY know.  Sigh!

My eating disorder voices were very loud today.  It is hard being around so many extremely emaciated girls.  Part of me envies them and wishes I was thinner.  They are much much thinner than I and part of me wonders why I am even here.  It didn’t help when the internist said my BMI was 14.2 and that it wasn’t bad.  My ED voice says "okay it’s not too abnormal why am I here eating so I gain weight if it is basically fine???"  Hate this internal struggle I have.  It doesn’t help that cognitively I am quite alert and able and physically I am fine, no dizziness, low blood sugar, weakness, etc.  Furthermore, the groups are basic and while for most of the girls it is new and helpful, for me it is stuff I already know and I am scared because I know I need to do more psychological work to move toward recovery but where I am supposed to get it here?